Seeking Motivation

At the moment my life really seems to be at a stand-still.  Waiting for things to happen.

I'm just over 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and so whils it is less than 3 weeks before my life changes forever- the anticipation is so profound that it feels as though it is 3 decades to go.  I am so anxious for this next part of my life to start it is impossible to focus on anything happening in the current chapter.

I am also waiting on the results of an application to change degrees.  I am currently enrolled in a Bachelor of Laws but have asked my university to let me change into an Arts Degree.  I am still interested in Law but after some deeper thought I realised the reason I don't enjoy studying it (and therefore get poor results) is because I chose that degree for the wrong reasons.  I chose Law because it was prestigious, because it guaranteed a decent paying job after graduation.  I chose it so I could prove to others and myself that I could get into Law school, that I could be a high-flying professional. 
So I have decided that instead of studying something for superficial reasons, I will study the subjects that really interest me.  Those subjects consist of Literature, Philosophy, History and Sociology.  An Arts degree does not guarantee me a job in the way Law can but becuase I am passionate about studying those subjects - it guarantees I can actually complete my degree and be mentally engaged by it.

My life is furtther paused by other changes in the wings.  My sister who is due to have her second baby any day now is looking to move to another town.  It is only 40/50 mins away but it feels like miles to me.  It's the town we went to Primary School in.  To her it symbolises some freedoms and she has family there (we are half-sisters) but to me that town symbolises oppression and single-mindedness.  As sisters we have always been very different and we not close growing up but since the birth of her first child we have become very close.  In deciding to move back to the country, it was a comfort to me to know my sister was in the same town and that I could bear my fears of motherhood to her without being judged.  With her moving away I cannot help but feel as though I am losing an integral part of my support system. 

Whilst my mother still resides in my town, her heart is in Jamaica.  She met a man online a couple years back and has visited him over there twice.  I have this constant concern in the back of my mind that she will move over there and I will see her rarely if at all.  As a mother-daughter unit we have had a lot of ups and downs.  The downs nearly always relating to the man in her life.  But family has always been really important to me.  I am often in the middle of disputes as many corners of our family do not get along but I persist in staying in touch with them all and keeping out of their disagreements.  If my mother moved to Jamaica- I would feel very alone.

Many of the aspects of my life that are at a stand-still may never be totally resolved and what I consider important right now is bound to change when I become a parent......  but while I'm feeling this hesitant pause in my life I am finding very difficult to motivate myself.  And so my enviable procrastination skills continue to strengthen!