Election Day

I have only one thing to say to Australians today.....


.....a blank ballot paper or one with crude writing or pictures on it is NOT a protest and does not make you funny or cool.

Whether you see your democratic vote as a gift or a burden- use it properly or shut the hell up and move overseas!

perception

One look
the sun is shining on my face
words, words, more and more words

My skin is tingling
the breeze flows in my hair
just look
one look
please....

...my eyes see all

Foggy Focus

*sigh
I really cannot focus on anything right now.  There are a lot of random thoughts in my head and a bunch to things I need to be doing. Everytime I begin a task or thought Iget distracted, confused, lost and start off on something else.  It is so frustrating.  I even tried to meditate like I used to do in this kind of situation but I just couldn't shut my mind off.
So instead of writing a blog about something actually interesting or working on my assignment, or doing housework I am sitting in front of the idiot box eating Nutella from the jar with a spoon! 
I guess the only constant thing in my thoughts is my impending orientation into parenthood.  I have for the most part avoided blogging about my pregnancy but in the last few weeks it has been bursting out of me.  I guess because I am so close now (38 weeks) and I just want it to happen already.
I could be naive and say once thats happened it will be easier for me to focus- but in reality it will probably be harder given I will be caring for a whole other human being.  Instead I will hope and pray that I become one of those Mum's who is highly skilled at multi-tasking!!!!

Father Figures

What does it mean to be a father figure? Is it something you earn or is it automatic when you become a father? I know some mother's that have taken on the role of father figure.... so I don't believe it has to be specific to men.  But for this blog that is who I am referring to. 

In my own life, my mother and father seperated when I was still a baby.  Although I have seen him once or twice a year since then- he hasn't played the father role in my life. He was more like an uncle.
My mother re-partnered shortly after seperating from my father and she had 2 more children with her second partner.  I cannot remember a time before my step-father and yet we never developed a healthy relationship.  It always seemed to me as a child that he and his family were not interested in me once my younger sister came along.  She was blood, I was not.  The relationship between him and my mother was also always strained and I guess as someone who felt she didnt have a father figure I stuck to my Mum's side- no matter what.
My mother seperated from my step-father finally when I was 16/17.  By that time, I considered myself grown-up and I guess I felt I didn't need a father figure.  In terms of other male relatives- I had little to nothing to do with my father's family or my step-father's family.  My mother has an adopted brother but he is only about 7 years older than me and has always felt more like a cousin.... 

My mother's parents are also seperated.  This happened many years before my birth, so on that side I have always considered myself to have two grandfathers.   My mother's father lived in Melbourne for a long time and when I was quite young we were very close- he moved to Queensland, and the distance combined with my growing up put us further apart.  Mum's step-father is still married to her mother.  I am close with my grandmother and I think particularly due to feeling rejected by my step-father's family I spent a lot of time with her and my step-grandfather.  However, many people in the family do not think highly of my step-grandfather and I think this has always been an invisible wall between us.
So do I have a father figure in my life?  Do I need one?  Perhaps my mother provided me with as much of a father figure as I needed?

As someone about to become a parent for the first time, I have spent a lot of hours in the past few months thinking about parenting roles.  Having a distanced relationship with my father- I imagine his involvement as a grandparent might be limited.  My partner has a strained relationship with his father also, and as we are expecting a boy I guess I was concerned about senior male role models for my son.  My partner will be an excellent parent and a wonderful father figure- but having in many ways lacked one in his upbringing or at best had a poor one- I wonder how this will impact.

I don't know if I would be a different person for having had a strong father figure in my life- but I look around and I see they do exist.  And they don't have to be men who are fathers.  They might be step-fathers or uncles, or family friends.  They might be strong single mothers or even gay partners.
I guess the most important part is that the child is loved and supported by whomever is in his or her life.
:)

Lyrics I am enjoying today....

"...well, I've been dragged all over the place

I've taken hits time just don't erase

and baby I can see you've been fucked with too

but that don't mean your loving days are through

cause people will say all kinds of things

that don't mean a damn to me

cause all I see is what's in front of me

and thats you

well I may be just a fool

but I know were just as cool

and cool kids they belong together"

YEAH YEAH YEAHS- MODERN ROMANCE

"...We, we are the ones

When we're together
We, we are the young
We live forever
And all the stars in the sky
And all the flowers in the fields
And all the flowers in the earth
Could never take you from my heart"

THE DRUMS- FOREVER AND EVER AMEN

"...You don't need no hairdo

you don't need no cigarette

Oh, baby, you got what I want

You don't need no hairdo

you don't need no cigarette

Oh baby, I'm addicted"

LITTLE BIRDY- HAIRDO

"...I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer

beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer

beating like a hammer"

METRIC- HELP I'M ALIVE

"...Should they catch us and dispatch us to those separate work camps

I'll dream about you. I will not doubt you with the passing of time (oh yeah)

Should they kill me, your love will fill me, as warm as the bullets (yeah)
I'll know my purpose. This war was worth this. I won't let you down

No, I won't"
SAY ANYTHING- ALIVE WITH THE GLORY OF LOVE

"...You know this don't feel right

Who knows this could feel right
I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts

So don't forget me or what you want
Light up the stage, make your move, give me something

So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm
Soon it unfolds who we are in this masquerade of stars

Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing..."

BIRDS OF TOKYO- PLANS

 

Seeking Motivation

At the moment my life really seems to be at a stand-still.  Waiting for things to happen.

I'm just over 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and so whils it is less than 3 weeks before my life changes forever- the anticipation is so profound that it feels as though it is 3 decades to go.  I am so anxious for this next part of my life to start it is impossible to focus on anything happening in the current chapter.

I am also waiting on the results of an application to change degrees.  I am currently enrolled in a Bachelor of Laws but have asked my university to let me change into an Arts Degree.  I am still interested in Law but after some deeper thought I realised the reason I don't enjoy studying it (and therefore get poor results) is because I chose that degree for the wrong reasons.  I chose Law because it was prestigious, because it guaranteed a decent paying job after graduation.  I chose it so I could prove to others and myself that I could get into Law school, that I could be a high-flying professional. 
So I have decided that instead of studying something for superficial reasons, I will study the subjects that really interest me.  Those subjects consist of Literature, Philosophy, History and Sociology.  An Arts degree does not guarantee me a job in the way Law can but becuase I am passionate about studying those subjects - it guarantees I can actually complete my degree and be mentally engaged by it.

My life is furtther paused by other changes in the wings.  My sister who is due to have her second baby any day now is looking to move to another town.  It is only 40/50 mins away but it feels like miles to me.  It's the town we went to Primary School in.  To her it symbolises some freedoms and she has family there (we are half-sisters) but to me that town symbolises oppression and single-mindedness.  As sisters we have always been very different and we not close growing up but since the birth of her first child we have become very close.  In deciding to move back to the country, it was a comfort to me to know my sister was in the same town and that I could bear my fears of motherhood to her without being judged.  With her moving away I cannot help but feel as though I am losing an integral part of my support system. 

Whilst my mother still resides in my town, her heart is in Jamaica.  She met a man online a couple years back and has visited him over there twice.  I have this constant concern in the back of my mind that she will move over there and I will see her rarely if at all.  As a mother-daughter unit we have had a lot of ups and downs.  The downs nearly always relating to the man in her life.  But family has always been really important to me.  I am often in the middle of disputes as many corners of our family do not get along but I persist in staying in touch with them all and keeping out of their disagreements.  If my mother moved to Jamaica- I would feel very alone.

Many of the aspects of my life that are at a stand-still may never be totally resolved and what I consider important right now is bound to change when I become a parent......  but while I'm feeling this hesitant pause in my life I am finding very difficult to motivate myself.  And so my enviable procrastination skills continue to strengthen!

A Poem by EE Cummings that I adore

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)

New Life

Nudge Nudge
He wants me to remember he is there

Poke Poke
He is trying to get more comfortable

Kick Kick
He is running out of room to stretch

Push Push
He is making his way into the world at last......

Reminiscing

Ok so do you remember floppy disks? And Walkmans?  Or better yet portable tape players? And VHS movies? 
It seems so long ago now, but it actually isn't so far back that they were commonplace, and not long before that they were the height of technology.  Now it's all iPods and smartphones and blu-ray.
It all makes me wonder what elese there will be in another 5 or 10 years.  Will we look back on an iPod Touch and laugh in the same manner we do now for Walkmans?

Thinking about all that has brought back fond memories of watching the Jetsons as a kid and actually believing when I grow up I'll drive to work in a hovercraft!  Well it seems far-fetched today but in 20, 30, 50 years time who knows?  I guess once upon a time the electric car seemed like an unattainable goal.

These were just random thoughts I had this morning.....  I could tie it all together and say the moral of the story is anything is possible if you believe, but it sounds a bit too Disney film-ish doesn't it? Oh now that makes me reminisce about Genies and Beasts and Lions and Aristocats.............

Fate????????

So technically this is 19 mins late to keep up my everyday promise but please forgive.....

Today I found myself pondering fate.....
Is it real? Or is it some cock and bull story to explain away wasted lives or bad decisions? 
If it exists then does everyone just have a single fate or are there forks along the road and you choose between two fates?
One thing I am certain of, is that life rarely turns out the way you planned.  But equally, I am certain that is often a good thing.

I'm not sure if I believe in fate but I know life will ahve many more twists and turns in store for me and whether I believe those are pre-destined or down to chance I know I will face them as best I can.

Peace =]